impulsive, emotional, alive. i snap sometimes and i find that i like it, i like the feeling of letting go, of seeing what happens. my body, my personality, a natural phenomenon. i begin to seem impolite, unpolitical. i begin to wonder why the story of my life has been written by people who do not know me, who don't know my friends. people in academia have defined our lives, have placed their tongues in our mouths. they did not have to be there while we were fighting for our lives. i learn to talk their way but then nico dacumos says what i was afraid to say. i am a boy but i was born in this body and maybe there is a reason for that, maybe i was meant to learn to love it.

but now i'm not talking in the trans narrative, i'm talking outside of the narrative with my own tongue and it gives off a vibe that scares people away. allies in particular. what other purpose is there for the crafting of the "this is what you should say, this is what you should not say" than to transmit that message to those who would support us? but then we become our own police, we tell bornstein she should not say tranny, we tell her what transgender is. we tell her because we are courting our allies, we are fucking our allies, they are our johns, we are afraid of them. we know they're going to fuck us over and we want them to do it just right. we want to decide the way in which we will be destroyed.